SPECIAL REPORT — For eight months, this publication has investigated a single question that has divided households across the United States: who raised this bitch?
The mother says it wasn’t her. The father says he was at work. The sister has a sweatshirt that names a suspect. We reviewed the evidence.
Exhibit A: The Sweatshirt
Sixty-five people have left reviews on this item. Not one of them disputes its accuracy. Several confirm it.
Mom Didn’t Raise a Bitch (But If She Did, It Was Definitely My Brother) — Sweatshirt — From $50 · ★ 4.9 (65 reviews)
65 reviews. 4.9 stars. Our most-reviewed sweatshirt and, statistically, the most likely to be worn on purpose to a family event.
Get it →“This is such a fun sibling shirt. I love that it’s bold but still cute. Perfect for family gatherings.”
— Stephanie W., verified buyer
Exhibit B: The Mother’s Statement
Reached at home, the mother provided the following statement: “I raised two lovely children.” When shown the sweatshirt, she paused for eleven seconds, which our legal team notes is a long time.
She then asked where she could get one that said mother. We are including it here in the interest of transparency.
Don’t Make Me Angry or I’ll Start Acting Like My Mother — T-shirt — From $35 · ★ 4.9 (8 reviews)
Her defense, printed. 4.9 stars from people who have, in fact, started acting like their mother.
Get it →Exhibit C: The Father
The father declined to comment, then commented for forty minutes. The relevant portion: “Everyone in this house gets it from somewhere and it isn’t me.” His children disagree. Strongly. In writing.
Don’t Make Me Angry or I’ll Start Acting Like My Father — T-shirt — From $35 · ★ 5.0 (1 reviews)
Submitted by the children as a counter-exhibit.
Get it →Exhibit D: The Sister
The sister, when asked if she had anything to add, pointed at the sweatshirt and said “I already did.” She then showed us a second shirt. We have included it because it is relevant to the investigation and because she asked nicely.
My Sister and I Talk Shit About You — T-shirt — From $35
Purchased in pairs 40% of the time. Draw your own conclusions.
Get it →The boring facts: printed to order in the US, ships in 2–5 business days, sizes S to 5XL, insanely soft, 30-day quality guarantee. Free US shipping over $70.
Our Findings
After eight months, three family dinners and one very long car ride, this publication concludes that nobody raised this bitch. She raised herself. She would like that noted on the shirt.
Browse the full Family Chaos collection →
This investigation is ongoing. Send evidence to @unhingedone.
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